I'm restless. I'm homesick. But I'm not. I mean, I miss home. I miss my family and friends. But, I'm homesick to find where my home IS. I'm never happy. Wait. I don't mean that. I don't mean that I'm listening to Dashboard constantly and I wear all black and I constantly hang my head. No. In fact I can't remember the last time I wore a frown. What I mean is: I know I'm probably considered young, but I've never been to a place and thought "this is home." Only two places have come close, I think. Sure, there are other things that make you want to put your heart down some where. And maybe, just maybe, I'm not even really speaking geographically. My heart is restless. My dreams and fears constantly wrestle with me. It's hell. But that's a good hell. Which doesn't make sense. But you get it right? I'm not fickle. Really.
I think I like that. I guess the day I am satisfied will be when I can lay my body down and give my last breath. I think I will always want to go to the "next place." I'll always want to see new faces, embrace new worlds and hold new hearts. Something within me sings that. I'm sure it's true. Besides, theres something about not knowing what next year will bring. There's something about only seeing glimpses and hearing whispers of tomorrow. I'm feeling more of that lately.
Do you ever feel like something is meant to be? A dream, a time, a place, perhaps a story? I like stories. I like the hurt and the pain and the love and hope and fear that gets wrapped in them. I could listen to peoples stories forever. I could laugh and cry and smile and be ok. I need that substance and that intentionality that comes in relationships.
Yet lately, I've been finding myself sitting still. Quiet. Tranquilo. I'm ok with that. I'm ok with just me and my heart. (I wrote a while back about The Alchemist...) I feel like I've been given a chance to understand the depths of my heart. I don't know that I'll ever get it all. And let's be honest, that would take a long time. I think maybe I'm not supposed to. But, I'm beginning to understand fears. I'm beginning to understand hopes that I have. This is a journey and sometimes walking alone makes it easier to listen to things you wouldn't hear in the sea of chaos. It's just a time.
Perhaps Emily Dickinson said it best...."If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain."
Oh and one more thing...I heard this song today by Brooke Frasier. And I liked it.
I'll give it time/ give it space / and be still for a spell /
When it's time to walk that way we wanna walk it well /
And for now, I'll close my eyes and dream of you. You're much closer then.