To stay at the bottom of a well, because it's dark and you can't see the monsters around you nor see your dreams in the distance, when you have a million people throwing down ropes to you, is heart breaking. My heart is broken for you, for that.
Nobody can tell you where your heart is. Only you can. You know. And fear of failure is no excuse for not trying. Fear of failure is a completely different thing than not having peace. Peace and pain weigh differently on your heart. You know the difference.
I know this all hurts. I know the pain you're in. I've also seen so many glimmers of hope and happiness. I've seen something so beautiful that is inside, and it isn't just me, it's everybody that see's it. You are here. In this moment. Right now. And your heart is waking from a long slumber. It hurts. It hurts like hell to break everything off, but you're doing it. That's fighting. That's inspiring. That shows you damn well have what it takes. You've come too far to give up and throw your hands in the air.
The answer isn't to freeze. The answer is to be so fully present here and now that you don't miss a thing in this day. And then you can let go and be who you are, and you don't have any regrets because you were there the whole way.
May you accept the past for what it is. May you celebrate what needs to be celebrated and grieve what needs to be grieved. And then...may you receive from God a new spirit. One for here. Now. Today.
_____
Beauty for ashes, a garment of praise, for my heaviness.
This my excavation and today is kumran
Everything that happens from now on....
This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization
It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away
Your love will be
Safe with me
Crush the dirt and bury your heart there
there's holding patterns for a son
all your worth, all of your empathy
will color your hands when you are done
You made up your mind, to leave it all behind
and now you're forced to fight it out.
Some day when this is over, we may still have no answers...
/ I would've held you, things your father never could do, words your father never told you. /