My soul waits for you alone, like the watchmen wait for dawn.
I don't know why some things have unfolded the way they have. I don't know why some things were harder than they should have been. Why lightning strikes and thunder rumbles every part of my being. The easy way out would be to say that those things, the hurt, the pain, the words that cut, the going without, the constant struggle...that those things "build character." They do. I get that. I always have. But there has to be more to it than that. There has to be. I suppose I will never know. I don't know why it seems some things never change, why some cards get dealt and some chips fall in the wrong place. I suppose I'll never understand. That's my burden to carry. Sadly, that's part of coming from a broken race. There are things that happen, to us, to others, that we'll never understand why. I get that You are powerful. I get that You've done so much for me. I do. I get that. But there's still this tension that I've always lived in...I know that it hurts. The pain, it's deep. That these scars remain, no matter how hard I've tried in my own strength to rip them off. That the hope I've lost and thrown away has somehow been caught in Your palm, and the embers still glow, so many years later. And those slivers of light still shine. I don't know how that is...
...I do know this: You are good. You love me more than I can begin to fathom. But mostly, You are good. I don't know why that brings me such comfort. Just the fact that You know what you are doing, and that You always have. That while it may not be Your fault, You were still there watching, crying, holding, comforting, and just sitting with me and us. That even in these moments of chaos, where everything seems to fly around me and my mind can't stop racing, You are still. These things that way on my shoulders, these fears, this anger, these doubts, bitterness, this cynicism: You hold them. That You love me and You are near, even when I am far, is more than I can hope for. I find my rest in that.
You hold me together. You always have. You have placed so many reminders that you are here, and there, and watching, and speaking. You have spoken multitudes, through whispers, and through saying nothing at all. I know you are doing something, painting a picture, allowing dreams to be birthed that will make everything worth it. Every struggle that my mind throws at me, You are in it with me, whispering those thoughts away. Thank You, for teaching me how to love You, in the most minute humanly way possible I know how: with all my heart. I'm still learning, but I hope You see that I'm still a child and that beneath all this mess, my heart is good.
"I am my Beloved's, and He is mine. So, come into your garden and take delight in me."