I wasn't going to write. I've been doing a thing I like to call "keepeverythinginside" and "dontbetransparent,digestyouremotions,donthavethem." It's been nice. It's been helpful. It's been so not me. But, yet, it has. It's been a new me. Let me explain.
I never thought I'd live out every single one of those songs you hear on the radio. Oh, you know, the ones that talk about "I'm scared...I'm running...sap sap blah blah, tear." Those are the ones that seem to make money, or they seem to be a hit with the hipster kids. Whatever.
But, here I am. Walking home (not at this moment, but you get it) and I realize that I have gotten to that point. I'm scared. I'm never scared. But, I find myself wondering "what's next" and then I realize I am scared as hell to find out what that may imply. I don't WANT to know. I don't know if I can handle it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that. How do I carry that thing called "next." Do I carry it on my sleeve? Do I put it deep down at the bottom of my bag, hoping it never comes out? I guess I choose the latter. For the first time in my life, I am choosing that. I used to be the type to throw caution to the wind, yet I can see myself becoming more fearful and keeping my guard. Perhaps it's best that way. Perhaps that is the way it needs to be. Is that how you're supposed to do it? I don't know.
And the trouble falls like rain, lately it's been pouring.
For the first time in my life, I have wrapped myself in this blanket called loneliness. It doesn't feel good, certainly not, but it does at times. It's thick. It's uncomfortable at times. She keeps me warm and keeps me safe. She wraps me with such tenderness.
And still, even as I write this, I can't help but think and can't keep my mind from thinking. Does that mean what I think it does? I don't know. I know that usually, it's like a waterfall, waiting to burst. Perhaps that is what I'm afraid of.
Oh, but I've seen happiness, and she came around here yesterday, in a light blue dress...
I think that's ok. For now.