...and I don't know how I feel about it.
Which, is out of character. I am a Christmas fanatic. I get butterflies. My nose turns cold and I love it. I stay up all night watching the lights and the tree glow in the corner of the room. I wrap myself in the warmth of my blanket and "home."
Except for this year...
...something is different. I don't know what it is. I just can't bring myself to accept that Christmas is here. I can't bring myself to accept that the year is over and that life is moving on, whether I like it or not. Maybe it's because I enjoy being home, I try to dig my feet in the dirt and resist the setting sun...maybe it's because my heart gets more and more weary as the night rolls in.
This year has been a roller coaster. Emotions, travels, experiences, life. It's all been sort of tossed in, and blended. I am okay with that...
...but it is sort of unsettling. This is the first time I've been alone in a while. I mean, I'm alone, but the first time I've felt alone. I guess my heart is just elsewhere. I suppose it always is. My heart has taken my mind across the world, and buried it deep underground.
...I've found reasons for fighting this year. I can't complain. I've met people worth fighting for. I've rediscovered dreams I thought I lost long ago in the midst of pain, as we so often do. There is nothing scarier than rediscovering, yet nothing more fulfilling.
December is filled with so many different emotions for so many. I think because we all feel in our hearts that we should be together in these times, and I think the year coming to a close has a way of reminding us what is missing. Or what we've missed. Or who. That things have been broken. It matters. The hurt, the pain, the alone-ness, it matters. It's not supposed to be that way. If 2009 has taught me anything, it's that. We aren't mean to be alone. We are meant to love with our deepest being. Those movies, those ones that you see, the ones that everybody says "oh that doesn't happen...it's just a movie..." Honestly, I'm convinced that it does happen. It really does.
I've learned a lot about myself this year. I've changed beyond what I could have ever imagined. I've become more calloused, which I think is good. Yet still, deep inside I have this longing for love and justice and peace. I suppose that is both my gift and my curse. I love wildly, without regard. I love strangers. I see faces and hurt and I want to love them. I guess that's a good thing. Yet I've learned, some things don't change, and though I may WANT change, I am still only supposed to love, regardless the outcome. I'm learning that. It's a hard lesson. I've learned that I dwell in the midst of relationships. I live for them. I do. Friendships. Lovers. My family. They are what shape me.
So here I sit. Thinking of you. That's a good thing and a bad thing. I don't know what will ever be. But, I am okay with that. I know that dreams happen, and that you can do anything you want as long as you don't mind fighting for it.
...I don't mind.
I'll close with this. What makes you come alive? Those things deserve to shine brighter than anything. Fight for it. They deserve life. You deserve life. Have you discovered that yet? I am in the midst of that, so let's walk together.