Just close your eyes it won't take long
It won't hurt a bit
Telling myself I could be strong
Or some such brave bullshit
The greatest thief of inspiration is defeat. There's nothing that can make you burn with hope, but a dream. It seems it's some odd tension, some great tug of war between the two constantly. We walk in pain, only to see the beautiful views on the other side. We hurt, so that we can smile, so that we can know how much we've been through. So we can see the mountains we've climbed and the puddles we've jumped over. We stand on the edge, only to dare ourselves to jump, to dream. It's scary as hell, yet more exciting than anything, not knowing what that leap will bring.
My heart pounds, my feet shuffle...and then I just close my eyes and let go. I'm in that fall now.
Monday night, we went out on a boat ride. No lights, no music, no words....Just the sound of the waves cracking against the bow, the steady hum of the motor and the moonlight on my face. As I stared at the coastline and watched it get smaller and watched the water fade from a clear to a dark black, I couldn't help but think about the roads my life has taken. I couldn't help but think about if things had been different. I couldn't help but see how great You are. How you orchestrate things I could never imagine and things I would never hope for. How you made me for this moment, and that moment, and you whisper in these moments. I couldn't help but think that you made my heart (though sometimes I hate it) soft and that you have let me notice every little nudge. I had to smile, at the way you've molded my hands. I only hope I can be innocent and pure and hopeful in my appreciating. It's hard to believe there is love in pain, and even more pain in love. Yet, it's that love that anchors us to each other.
I've always looked forward. I've filled my life with dreams and what if's and the next best thing. I've burned for my future, for what is to come. I can taste it. I can see that brownstone, the colors of fall, hear the sounds of of the city as it swallows me...I can see the faces of my children, those I adopt, those I love. I can see the stamps on my passport. The lights of Japan, the silence of Africa, the smells of France, the sights of Europe. I can feel the cold touch of my wife's fingertips as she lay there sleeping, the moonlight shining through the curtains...But I can't help but wonder how many moments I have let blindly slip by. How many times have I been day dreaming when there has been a vivid picture in front of me I'm supposed to dive into. It's SO EASY to get sucked into everyday. We dream of tomorrow, yet we become so comfortable with a normal today. We lose sight of what brought us to this point in the first place and the dream that was before us slowly fades. And I don't know...though i dream of tomorrow, I can't help but wonder about the story right now. The dissonance that I am somehow supposed to make sense of. It's easy to run from those things, to close our eyes and sing a different melody because we are scared of what could happen. WE are scared to make sense of the chaos, for what might come of it? We are scared of the distance, and the story that goes along with that, because distance isn't exactly the plan we wrote so long ago...right?
"Maybe the constant motion is simply a man on the run, a man scared to death of standing still, a man scared to death of what he might find, or what might find him. And maybe the hero's dance is not the run across the burning bridge. Maybe the hero's dance is the pause and the turning to say 'This wasn't meant to burn.' Maybe the leader is the one who looks back and sees something worth fighting for."
____
I wish you freedom, I wish you peace
I wish you nights of stars, that beckon you to sleep
I wish you places, that sit so still
that people never ever change, and never ever will
I wish I could hold you, and make you understand
I wish I could be there, but I can't.
I wish you wisdom, I wish you years
I wish you armies, to conquer all your fears
I wish you courage, for all that life demands
I wish I could be there, but I can't.
I wish we were together, I wish I was home
I wish there were nights where I was never alone
I know I've said it, but I'll say it once again
I wish I could be there, but I can't.