Can we go to never-never-land for a few minutes? Can I wax poetic, as horrible as it may be? Can I be unreal?
I have these moments. I've talked about them before. These moments, where in just an instant, life seems complete. Where the thousand of ridiculous, enormous dreams I have ahead of me, and the mistakes in my past, seem to all in one moment be erased and I realize one thing: I am here. I am now. That is it.
I was in the car with two great friends yesterday on the way to the airport, we had the windows down and were blaring "Semi-Charmed Life" and singing at the top of our lungs. The sunshine was gleaming through the jungle, the smoke scented wind blowing through my hair, my voice belting out every drug laden lyric to that song (I WASN'T doing drugs, the song is about drugs....duh!) And my face was as bright as the midday sun. It was the innocence of it. The voices of those closest to me caught up in the embarassing, stupidity of it. The ignorance of thinking nothing can stand in my way. The pure bliss of thinking everything is attainable. It is, isn't it?
Sometimes I just get so wrapped up in the happiness. This place is joy, peace, happiness, war, struggle. Yet somewhere within that struggle I've found a way to smile in the face of all the uncertainties that come. It's an adventure, and I learned that from my mom. Every minute brings another chance to laugh at the unknown abyss the next tick of the clock will bring. With every unknown, comes another chance to jump into this sea that we've learned to know as life.
It's just that I'm so blessed. I'm so lucky. I've checked so many things off my list, and yet everyday it grows longer. I've found my home in paradise. I'm chasing a dream that millions of others will never get the chance to call their own. One day, my hands will create miracles and smiles. I've conquered many many fears, and discovered other ones that lie deep within. I've loved. I'm loving. I'm learning to love.
It's just these moments. Driving in the jungle. Swimming in the sunset while a million different colors fall on my face. Sitting on a dock watching the boats sway in the waves....it's these moments I just want to scream a million different screams of joy.
Life. You have been so good to me. Thank You for that. You have chiseled away at every piece of me. Because of that, I will find my way through the darkness. I know You are there in the end, begging to be discovered. It's because of You I will dream bigger every day my eyes slowly open, and that I will speak of things unspeakable. They are only unattainable if I believe they can't be reached.
But they can be.
Never lose your hope. Never lose your ignorance. That's what my mom once told me.
______
He's a stranger to some and a vision to none
He can never get enough, get enough of the one
For a fortune, He'd quit, but it's hard to admit
how it ends and begins
On his face is a map of the world.
Light flows our war of mocking words, and yet,
Behold, with tears mine eyes are wet!
I feel a nameless sadness o'er me roll.
Yes, yes, we know that we can jest,
We know, we know that we can smile!
But there's a something in this breast,
To which thy light words bring no rest,
Give me thine hand, and hush a while...
- excerpt from The Buried Life