I have grown so much since then. At times I wonder if some parts of me have grown to calloused, or too serious. Which is weird, because, I don't take life seriously at moments. But deep down I do. I realize there is a season for everything. It's good to look back. It's weird to look back. To see something that will forever define me as a man and as a searcher. This is the woman that made me want to be a doctor. It's so vidid. I can still smell the fried plantains. I can still feel the sweat dripping down my back 15 miles out in the jungle. This is when I KNEW I would be a doctor. I needed to be reminded of that tonight, among other things.
I remember standing there. Rain pouring down. Soaking wet. Muddy, sweaty, tired. I can still smell it. 75,000 people with their hands raised.
I found my journal entry on the plain ride home. Written through tears and sweat and the beginnings of explosive diarrhea (that's what you get for jumping off a bridge into dark sepia toned water).
"For once your feet have touched this soil, it is impossible to remain absent for long. Sure, you may leave physically, but your heart will always remain. Once you have looked upon the beautiful disaster of this place, you will never be the same. Once you look at these gorgeous smiles, you see the most irreplaceable thing you have ever seen and you can never forget it. You will return one day, you have to."
I don't want to go back. I've come too far. I just don't want to ever forget. If I forget where I have come from, I'll never get where I am going. That is the crux of having a vision. You look forward, pushing with everything you have, focusing in on that thing you want so badly it lives in your mouth and the taste is a constant reminder of what you are becoming. But if you don't look back, you will quickly forget the notes between the lines and the pages that you have torn out and stapled on your walls reminding you, the map you have folded so many times, only to take out so you can see the path.
I like where I am at right now. I have learned and learned well. My thought process has changed. Through that, I've gained a Father I never had, instead of a Deity I'll never know. Everything in this world is burdened with changed. We carry it on our backs. We can fight it, or we can embrace it. I've always been a hugger and I am thinking a spooning session with evolution sounds great. I think I can sleep now.
"And then God answered: "Write this.
Write what you see.
Write it out in big block letters
so that it can be read on the run.
This vision-message is a witness
pointing to what's coming.
It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait!
And it doesn't lie.
If it seems slow in coming, wait.
It's on its way. It will come right on time."